He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
