You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
