So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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