My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
