Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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