the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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