i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
