she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
