K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
4 words: hood of his car
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
