I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
