I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Someone signed my nipple.
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