that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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