Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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