I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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