I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
