Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
