I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
