Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
