I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
