i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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