i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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