Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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