My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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