Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
