I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
