so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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