Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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