Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
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