Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Randomize
