Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
