Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
