His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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