It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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