I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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