This is not my ceiling
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
