Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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