I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
