I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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