never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
