I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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