Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
