I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
