do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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