How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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