From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
