She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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