1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
