For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
