Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
