She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
